Not a dream, but a reality
by Rhael Akhil Elyen
Summary: Dreams are always too good to be true, but for Griffith telling which is a dream and which is reality, will be more difficult than he had expected. Yaoi, Guts x Griffith.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: It's a yaoi story, pairing Guts & Griffith. Rated M for later chapters containing some yaoi scenes.

I edited and fixed all the grammar errors I could find, please excuse me for my mistakes.

Based on the anime Berserk. Characters belong to their respective creators.

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**Not a dream, but a reality**

Chapter 1

Looking at his own reflection on the mirror, Griffith did not find what everyone saw in him. Those great deeds, that huge dream of his about ruling the world, his own strength, everything seemed so unreal, so invisible, like a lie. What he saw in the mirror was not an angel of justice, it looked more like a child lost in the midst of the war, lost in a great abyss without anyone to rely on. Those rumors, they really destroyed all illusion he had, he would have endured living in a lie, just for the one he loved. Only for the sole purpose of being able to see his beloved giving him support, confidence and love was enough to endure all. But now this. They said his beloved was planning on leaving and never return.

How was he going to live with that?

How was he going to move on, when the one he admired most in this world, was about to leave his side?

He looked with desperation to the mirror, trying to find an answer to his questions. But instead of that, the mirror revealed to him the face that caused all his worries come to life. Guts.

It was like a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Didn't he remember all the hardships and suffering both of them endured?

Didn't he remember how much he loved him and still do?

Griffith felt betrayed, angry, but most of all frustrated, for not being able to erase those thoughts of separation from his lover's mind.

In his dreams, there is not even one time that he doesn't remember his lover. And even if he didn't want to think about this man, he was powerless to control his own dreams, his desires. This man controlled his very own existence and even his biggest dream seemed to swirl around him.

But, could this mean that his dream wasn't what he thought it was?

He would sacrifice himself, his own life and even his biggest dream just for the love of this man, Guts.

How?

When did it all start?

When did he set everything aside for the love of someone?

Those questions plagued him almost to the point of insanity, so he decided to move away from the mirror and look instead through the window. Snow began to fall again and the fields were already covered in white. While he was admiring the scenery, his eyes caught a familiar figure standing outside in the cold, looking back at him in the distance. This surprised Griffith greatly, it was his man and by the look in his eyes, he was somehow saying goodbye.

No! The day came without being expected, his eyes widened when in his mind he confirmed it. Without thinking it twice, he ran desperately towards his lover. Nothing mattered to him anymore, only the man outside. He ran without hesitation, with fear perhaps, holding back the tears in his eyes. He needed to stop him, he had to, or else his world would crumble. He reached the outside, the weather was freezing, but it didn't matter. He moved forward and saw the man waiting for him with uncertainty, and perhaps sadness in his eyes. He reached the man carrying his weapon by his side. The man closed his eyes briefly and sighed, with regret in his eyes, and only saying farewell before turning his back to Griffith. But before even taking the first step to walk away, a familiar sound reached his ears. Griffith drew his sword in a challenging pose towards his lover, then spoke.

"If you want to win your freedom, you must face me and reclaim it. Remember that I won you, and you still belong to me." He said in a cold tone.

The man turned around to face his beloved, he placed his belongings in the snowy ground and raised his sword, ready for battle. He looked deep into Griffith's eyes but saw no fear, only determination.

'I can't blame him if he hates me, or thinks of me as a traitor. I have made up my mind and I intend to leave everything behind. I plan on continuing on a path of sole truth, no social classes, nothing.' Guts thought to himself as his eyes made contact with the other's.

'I will win, I have to, he's mine and I refuse to give up on him. I believe in him, in us, together.' Griffith thought. He felt confidence and determination, for he had planned all too well Guts' movement and how he would counter it. One strike and everything was over. But what if he miscalculates and his man dies?

'If he dies, I… It's better that he dies than he leaves. If he will not be mine, then he better be off dead.' He thought with obsession, that man truly was driving him mad, but he couldn't help it, he did love him.

And so Guts made the first move exactly as Griffith had predicted, but as he moved his sword to block the hit and counter, his sword received a strong impact and broke in two pieces. For a moment Griffith thought he was about to die, but his lover halted before cutting his shoulder, leaving a light mark where it was supposed to hit. Griffith fell to the ground shocked, without breath and lost. The bigger man retreated a few feet away from Griffith and watched him with sadness. It was over, at last he was free, but the price he had to pay was too high. He knew Griffith's heart shattered along with his sword, his eyes seemed so lost, grieving by everything that was happening.

Griffith desired with his heart to win this man, to stay by his side forever. But now the future seemed so uncertain. Guts turned around and thanked Griffith for everything, then said farewell and decided to march.

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Author's note: This is my first story written in english, I hope I did it ok. Well, basically this story is trying to show that Griffith is not as heartless as he seems in the anime. I don't know if I developed their personalities well, but I tried my best. I hope you all enjoyed it.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: As the last note, Characters belong to their respective creators. It's a yaoi story, Guts x Griffith. Rated M for later chapters.

This chapter was edited, so I hope I fixed all the grammar errors on this one.

* * *

**Not a dream, but a reality**

Chapter 2

Time stopped for Griffith, and his confidence in his own beliefs seemed too dark and unreachable.

What now?

If he returned to his road he would lose his man forever, and will be forced to be content with having to live with a woman he didn't love and never will. But if he gave up his dream and walked the road his lover took he would live his life with love, but all the hardships he and his army endured would've been all for naught. Even if he followed his so called dream, it would only leave him heartless, just like living imprisoned in a world of never-ending lies and pretensions. He raised his head and noticed he was completely alone. Guts had already gone through his own path, and even said goodbye before leaving, but his words never reached Griffith's troubled mind. He stood up and instead of going back to the castle (where his dream belonged), he walked forward following the path Guts took a while ago.

'I believe in you, more than anything else.' He thought as he began to run towards the man. There was no road, all was covered by the snow and the sun had yet to come out. He didn't stop, he never did when he wanted something so badly. He kept forward until he saw Guts in the distance. For a moment he stopped, it was all or nothing, like a bet.

He looked back at the castle,

Was his destiny there?

Then he looked at Guts,

Or was his future in their love?

Doubts may surround and cloud the mind of a man, but it is his heart that gives the last word. He decided without hesitation to keep going forward.

When he reached Guts he trapped him in a tight embrace, as if to never let go. The man came to a halt as he saw a pair of pale soft arms embrace his body with such strength. He stayed silent and closed his eyes, he knew. Though it made his heart twist in pain and agony, he chose to stay away from his beloved. Griffith buried his face in Guts' back, the fear of losing him had already taken over his mind, making him feel so lost and desperate.

"I don't want you to go, I need you by my side. You have to stay with me forever." He said in a low voice, trying to hide his sadness. But Guts knew all too well his lover, he placed his hands on Griffith's, then looked up at the sky trying to find a word that may make his lover understand how he felt, but nothing came. He stayed silent.

Griffith tightened his embrace, the anger and sadness never leaving his mind.

"Have you forgotten our memories, the moments we shared together and what we had?

Was it all for nothing?" He fought hard to hold his tears, but they began to flood his eyes until they fell through his cheeks like a river.

Those words stabbed Guts' heart like hundreds of needles and the sole thought of making Griffith cry and suffer was enough to squeeze his heart and leave it dry. He closed his eyes, then finally dared to speak.

"I'm sorry, Griffith." That was the only thing he said.

Griffith moved his hands away, breaking the embrace. Guts turned around and tried to touch Griffith, but he moved away. Griffith moved his head aside, evading Guts' eyes, then spoke.

"I don't think I can take it anymore. Everything was…but a cruel lie. I…" He paused, his throat felt dry and as if he had a knot in it. He couldn't speak anymore.

Guts grabbed him by his arms and drew him closer, but Griffith still refused to look at him.

"I'm sorry for all I put you through; I have never lied to you, and never will. All that happened between us, I still treasure it in my mind and heart. I love you, I always did. But I find it hard to follow you, the path you chose I can reach no more, thus the meaning of my leave."

Griffith 's heart felt so heavy, after all that, he finally saw through the thick mask that covered Guts' true feelings, and he felt guilty for misjudging him. He finally dared to look back at Guts, his tears had already ceased to fall. Guts embraced the pale man tenderly, then spoke.

"I believe you are strong enough to live your dream without me. You have taught me to believe in you, in your strength and determination. I've done all I could to protect you, and I can live in content knowing that you're happy." He placed his hand on Griffith's head, touching his ever-soft white hair.

Griffith returned the embrace. "I gave up on that impossible dream long ago. My truest dream has always been here, with me, in front of me, it's just that I didn't notice it until now." He said with a calm tone.

Guts couldn't believe what he just heard, his eyes went wide by the shock.

"But…Griffith…"

"I have made my choice, just as you did when you decided to leave. I have no regrets."

He said interrupting Guts before he had the chance to protest. He drew his lips close to Guts' ear and gently whispered to him. "I love you to death." Then turned to face Guts and kissed his lips softly. Those words pierced Guts like an arrow, Griffith's heart and mind were set on one thing, him.

Everything seemed so clear to Guts now, he never was Griffith's friend, he never needed to, for Griffith truly loved him more than even his own life. He has been such a fool all this time, thinking he wasn't even worthy to be called a friend of war for Griffith. This revelation not only eased his mind, his heart felt so full and whole, he didn't need anything else, for he had it all. He kissed Griffith back with such fierceness and passion, leaving the pale man breathless by the time he broke their kiss.

It felt so unreal, so perfect, like a dream. Griffith felt so numb, so weak, and above all, defeated. He didn't have to fight anymore, it was all done and for the first time he felt at peace. A weak smile formed on his thin lips, this Guts noticed and understood its meaning.

"Let's go then." He said to the bigger man with confidence.

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Author's note: Finally chap 3 is up. Thanks for all the reviews. Long live Berserk!


	3. Chapter 3

Fanfic written by Rhael Akhil Elyen.

Author's note: This story contains yaoi, **not lemon** (which is porn). Rated M to be safe.

Sorry to have left the story dead for six years. I didn't know what to do with it, I even thought about deleting it for good, but now I feel confident about giving it a proper development and ending. Thanks to all who read and commented, I really appreciate it.

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**Not a dream, but a reality**

Chapter 3

After walking through the snowy fields for a few hours, both men noticed a small town on the distance and decided to head there. Their feet were tired after walking for so long through the heavy snow. Soon after entering the town, Griffith motioned to Guts to look at the direction of a small tavern, then spoke.

"Maybe we should take a break there."

Guts nodded then smiled to Griffith.

Both men entered the small building, noticing a few drunkards and some other people there drinking and chatting. Some of them even turned to look at the two of them while others just simply ignored their presence there.

Guts approached Griffith and told him in a low tone. "I'll go fetch us something to eat." The pale man nodded then looked around to find a table for them both.

Guts went to the barkeep and asked for some meat and drinks. He waited until the food was ready, then headed straight for his companion.

Except for some looks he received, Griffith felt comfortable there. As long as he was with Guts he swore to himself he would endure anything, including the looks of scorn, disgust or any other dirty looks the strangers would give him.

Guts and he ate in silence, but he felt some people staring at him as he ate. Griffith thought to himself, 'Maybe is the fact that even though I'm no noble, I always have good manners on the table. I guess it can't be helped, I got so used to deal with nobles that I act like one whenever I sit at a table to eat.' Out of concern, Griffith looked at Guts worried. But the look he received in return was rather calm and content. He felt his heart relieved, for he knew that Guts felt happy just being with him.

After they ended their meal, they both drank a glass of alcohol. Guts decided to drink another glass but Griffith just passed.

"One was more than enough to warm me up. I'll go rent a room and go to bed. Don't keep me waiting for too long." Griffith said to his lover as he stood up from his chair. He then headed for the barkeep and paid for a room, and after receiving the key he headed to the stairs and disappeared from Guts' gaze.

After finishing his glass in a few gulps, Guts went to ask the barkeep for the room Griffith rented, then headed straight there. He entered in a silent manner, like a thief would, and noticed Griffith sitting on the bed, naked. He looked as if he was lost in thought, watching his own reflection on a small mirror that laid resting against the wall, over a small dresser. Guts sat next to him and hugged him, wrapping him between his strong muscular arms.

Griffith then turned to look at him. His eyes reflected his troubled mind. He then spoke to Guts in a calm, low voice. "Do you think it's unfair, to leave everything you have sacrificed yourself for, just for the love of someone?"

The question took Guts by surprise, as he was unable to give a proper answer.

Griffith caressed the man's cheek. "I believe that as long as that person has more emotional value than anything material or monetary and if he or she is a worthy person, then there is no reason for someone to not risk everything in his life for that person. For me it is a fair trade, for money can never buy the heart or the conscience of someone."

Guts stayed silent. Through Griffith's remark he finally understands what motivated the man to choose him over the acquisition of power through his marriage with the princess. He knew all too well Griffith felt something for him, all the times they had sex, he felt their bond growing ever stronger and passionate. And the more they shared those moments together, it only served for them to long for more. But even after all that, Guts harbored doubts. Griffith had said he would call a friend someone who was equal to him, someone who, like him, had dreams and gave their all to achieve them. And when Guts never heard him call him friend, he thought he was nothing more than a distraction for Griffith. Even Caska once said it was his fault Griffith was losing his perspective, his reasons to achieve his goal. He even heard from Judeau, that Griffith liked him from the moment he laid his eyes on him, even to the point of risking himself in a fight just to have him. But in the end, Guts convinced himself during all those years that for Griffith he was nothing more than a soldier with the benefits of having intimate conversations and sex with, nothing more. He felt content just with being close to him and protect his life and dreams.

But now, after all that's been said, he finally felt his mind free of any doubts. Griffith watched him in silence, maybe expecting a reaction from his lover. Guts caressed Griffith's cheek then placed a passionate kiss on his lips. He then broke the kiss and placed both his hands around his lovers head, touching his silky hair between his fingers. "I will always love you. Even after you cease to exist. For all eternity."

A tender yet loving smile formed on Griffith's lips. He then caressed Guts' hair and face, then clasped their hands together and leaned back, resting his body on the bed.

Guts leaned down and kissed Griffith's neck then his lips. Soon after they broke the kiss, Griffith licked his lovers lips then said, "Take me, Guts."

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Author's note: As the end of the chapter suggests, the next chap will be very entertaining, but unfortunately not suited for yaoi haters. Hope my english grammar is not confusing. Chap 4 will be up soon. Please read and review.


	4. Chapter 4

Fanfic written by Rhael Akhil Elyen.

Author's note: This chapter contains a yaoi scene, **not lemon** (which is porn). If you don't like yaoi, please don't read and don't flame. Rated M to be safe. Couple: Guts x Griffith. Characters belong to their respective creators.

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**Not a dream, but a reality**

Chapter 4

Guts knelt on the bed, placing one of his knees between his lover's legs. Griffith changed into a sitting position then helped Guts strip off his clothes. Soon after the bigger man threw his clothes away, Griffith wrapped his arms around his torso and started to kiss and touch his body. While Guts caressed his soft hair and skin, Griffith started to lick and bite both his nipples. As he did this his hands journeyed through Guts' body, caressing his back, arms, waist and thighs. As he was touching his body, he grabbed one of Guts butt cheeks with one hand and with his other his crotch. Guts let out a small gasp but he quickly composed himself and grabbed Griffith's chin, gently pulling his face close to him and placed a passionate kiss on his lips. While kissing, Guts leaned Griffith down to the bed, placing himself on top of him. The pale man placed his hands on Guts' hair and neck and caressed him softly. Soon after they broke the kiss, Guts began to leave a trail of kisses from Griffith's neck down to his chest, where he kissed and then rubbed his nipples.

Griffith let out a loud gasp, his pale face began to blush as the heat between them increased. Guts tuned his eyes towards his lover's beautiful face and noticed his pale skin turn red, his seductive expression as he gave in to the passion. He looked so vulnerable, so frail, in comparison to his noble and stern visage on the battlefield. As soon as Guts began to accommodate his body between Griffith's legs, the beautiful pale man spread his legs as if to give in to his man completely. Unable to resist his craving for the other, Guts grabbed his lover's legs and drew closer to him, uniting their bodies. A loud moan of pleasure escaped Griffith's lips, producing a chill of excitement that ran down Guts' body as he began to fall prey to his desires for Griffith. Guts leaned forward, holding Griffith's body between his muscular arms. Griffith wrapped his arms around Guts, tightening his embrace as he synchronized his body with his lover's. After biting Guts' neck softly, he whispered to his ear. "You're only mine, Guts. Your body, your essence, your whole existence, is mine alone."

Of all the members of the Band of the Hawk, Guts' been the only one to know their leader so intimately. Only he has satisfied the cravings of Griffith the White Hawk, a man who raises high above all hardships and obstacles to reach his goal. Who's unreachable to all others, except him. Guts. A man who possesses no value, no social status, no goals. A man whose only worth are his strength, loyalty and courage.

They began to fall prey for the lust. Their breathing became faster as Guts slowly accelerated his rhythm. Griffith began to moan as he drew closer to the ecstasy. "Ahhhh… yes, Guts… my Guts… Ahhh… it feels… so good." He looked at Guts' face, enjoying his expression of delight as he also came close to the ecstasy with him. 'Only I enjoy being with him this way, only I love him.' He thought as he closed his eyes, losing himself in the heat of the moment.

Guts clung to Griffith's body and moaned in pleasure as he reached his limit. "Ahhhh… Griffith… my love…"

Both men gave in to each other. They enjoyed the moment until they fully satiated their thirst for lust, their hunger for each other. Both fell on the bed tired and fatigued but very happy. Griffith drew closer to Guts, resting his head on one of the man's shoulder. Their eyes came in contact with each other's, then both exchanged smiles. Guts drew closer to Griffith and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. He then grabbed the blankets and covered the both of them. Though outside it had stopped snowing for quite some time, the night was still cold. They clung to each other and held their hands together.

Both stayed silent for a while, until Griffith broke the silence. "Though we've done this a lot of times, for the first time I feel free and at peace. Like I… don't have a care in the world. Only us."

He paused to look at Guts' face, his gaze making contact with the man's. He then spoke in a soothing tone, "These sorts of feelings and this night, reminds me so much of that night, when we made love for the first time." He kissed Guts' lips softly. After breaking the kiss Guts stroke Griffith's hair gently and then said, "It's been a few years, but the memory it's still vivid in my head." A smile formed on Griffith's lips. Both men recalling the moment.

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_/Flashback/_

After completing a mission, the band returned to a small fortress belonging to their employer. Using the small building as their temporary base, they made preparations to rest for the night and get ready to march the next day. Griffith had gone to bed early but could not fall asleep, so he headed out of his small room and began wandering the halls, when he spotted a lone figure heading for the courtyard. As soon as he spotted the large sword on his hand he knew who it was. He drew closer to the figure, then called out to him in a low tone, but loud enough for the man to hear. Guts turned around knowing all too well to whom the voice belonged. Griffith signaled with his hand for him to come to him. Guts obeyed and came to his side.

Griffith greeted the man with a smile. "Isn't it a little late for you to be training?"

Guts smiled back at him a little embarrassed. "I couldn't sleep so I thought it's better to train instead of just staying in bed staring at the ceiling."

Griffith chuckled. "That sounds just like you." He then changed his expression to a one more serious. "I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to my chambers. Talking out here on the halls is a little uncomfortable for me."

Guts nodded. "Alright, let's go."

Griffith smiled at him politely. He then headed to his room, followed by Guts.

The room was plain, there was only an old wooden chair, a bed and a small plain old desk. Griffith's armor and weapon rested on the chair next to the bed. A lantern lying on the desk was what illuminated the room.

After closing the door, Griffith sat on the bed and motioned for Guts to sit next to him. The bigger man obeyed and sat on the bed, resting his sword against the wall.

"The job of a mercenary is very tiring. Especially on a mercenary band, where food and supplies run out rather fast and one must run about making all kinds of errands to survive. I want to know if you feel unwell or exhausted. I know I've asked you this many times before, but I can't help but worry, you never say anything, Guts. You're one of my best soldiers and I can't afford to go on a mission without you." His expression changed from calm to concern.

"There's nothing you should worry about. I'm ready to fight whenever you order." He retorted in a calm but firm tone.

Griffith sighted lightly. "Somehow I knew you would say that." Then he gently placed his hand on Guts'. "But I don't want you to do it simply because it is your duty. I want you to do it because you have a reason that drives you to do it. A man without purpose is a dead man."

But then Guts said. "My reason for fighting is you. To protect you, to be by your side when you need me most and be an aid to you in your cause. And I intend to do just that, whether I'm feeling okay or unwell. That's all there is for me."

After that both fell silent, exchanging looks. For some unknown reason to them, each time they were alone, undisturbed by their surroundings, some sort of strange force drew them closer. Neither of them being able to look away from the other's eyes nor move away. Griffith chuckled. "You're a very intriguing man, Guts. I always knew that I would never regret having you with me." He smiled as he drew himself closer to the other, narrowing the distance between them. For that moment time froze. Their eyes were locked on one another as Griffith's lips made contact with Guts'. He kissed Guts for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it only passed a few seconds. Guts stayed frozen, unable to utter a word.

Griffith smiled at him and then placed a hand on his cheek, caressing his skin. "I want to be not only your reason for fighting, but also the fire for your dark desires, your longings." In his beautiful blue eyes a spark of lust began to grow into desire. Guts' eyes widened in shock as he came to a realization, of all the mercenaries he was the only one to become the object of Griffith's desires. A smile of satisfaction formed on Griffith's lips as he noticed how this truth slowly sank in Guts' mind.

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Author's note: Hope you all enjoyed the yaoi scene on this chap, cause more will come on the next one. But it makes me sad to see so few stories of this couple on this site. I hope people get inspired to write more of them. But if they need a little push, there's a video on youtube with a story of this couple, it's a doujinshi called Sacrifice and it's in english. Please don't forget to review, it really helps keeping the story alive.


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